{السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته}
I`m a lost soul; searching. I`ve found the answer and here is my struggle.
An interior monologue of a revert Muslimah.


Letter to...Mom & Dad

I want to write this to remind people of how blessed we are to have our mother and or father. I cringe now when I see people write "I hate my mom" or "I can't stand my dad!". I've been there. I've changed. I know there are exceptions and some parents are actually evil. Just read my story and consider your parents again.

"Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or more attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, "my Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood."
Qur'an, 17: 24

Toronto, 1989
السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته  

This is the only picture of you two that I know of . It was taken when I was conceived. I was born June 22nd 1990. I guess you were never officially together. No marriage. No 'real' relationship. Dana you were in love with the woman you are now happily married to. I put no blame on your. You met at a concert in Toronto, didn't you? How am I here? Was I a mistake? (I liked to think). Perhaps it was a mistake at the time. Dana you said that you used protection but I was that 1 percent from 99.9. I guess Allah's will made me be. Mom, you made a choice, my biggest blessing, my life. You chose to continue my life after Allah granted it to you. I consider my being a complete miracle now, after hearing my story. My story is special to me. It is what has reminded and pushed me to be and do the best that I can in my life. I thank you both, Mom and Dad, for being real. For being the coolest, sincere, and strongest people in my life.

To Mom
Where do I begin? You're my mom. The single and first thing I think above anything else, the most important thing is the very fact that you are, indeed, my mother. You love(ed) me. You made me what I am. You helped me grow. You protected me and encouraged me to be whoever I wanted to be. You were never biased or judgemental. You are extremely open minded and a care free person. You are independent and strong, raising my Tanner and I alone for many years of our lives. You're true to your friends and did what you could to make Tanner and I smile on Christmas or our birthdays. I'm proud to say I picked up your positive qualities. You, like any other person is human, and has her own problems in life. It’s not your fault for many of the choices you made that I resented you for. I grew up and got angry at you. We never had a friendship and I never knew why. We were always distant. But you never shared stories with me. You were always quiet about your past and I still to this day don't know about you before I entered your life. Maybe I should ask? I feel you've been hurt, though. Betrayed and have struggled. Maybe it's painful to talk about the past. Maybe you're scared that I won't love you anymore for your choices or if I heard the truth. Whatever your reasons are for not sharing I don't mind anymore. We've grown to have a mutual understanding on what to share and what not. We’ve learned how to over come our problems and how to express our gratitude. I wasn't the nicest daughter either. I don't really know what I was thinking but I was just always angry at you. Maybe it was because I didn't have my dad around? Or it was because Tanner always got 'more things'? Perhaps it was just my teen angst? Possibly it was the fact I never thought like you. I have always been different in the sense of interests and personality within the family. I always liked strange things that you and I could never bond over and it continued liked this for ever until I started getting older. You cheated on your husband and that's when I swore I'd never forgive you. I was so mad you. You ruined my last year of high school. You made me leave my home I was comfortable in for the past 7 years. You took away what Kael could have had that Tanner and I couldn't. You above all did what you  had to for your own bliss. You were unhappy. You couldn't find happiness with Robert. I kind of understand now, though I don't agree 100%, I think you should have worked harder, but it's your life. I didn't know how you were feeling. What matters is that you're happy now and it makes me happy to see you doing what you have wanted to. We have had many disagreement's but we forgave and gotten over our differences. The best thing about you is that you don't care as long as I'm happy. You know I'm smart. Remember the card you sent telling me you were proud of my choices? This broke down my walls. You said your sorry in this card. I knew that you knew I was Muslim. I knew that you knew everything when I read that card. You're a stubborn person too so for you to send me this was a big step for you. I forgave that day. I took time to understand you. I asked for Allah’s help as well. You may tease me or tell me I'm just in a phase but you're there by my side no matter what. It's true.

Our mother's are strong but I believe they're weak when it comes to their children. Anyone who has a problem with their mom please try and figure out your issues. Forgive and talk. Don't be afraid because what you fear she could very well fear the same. It's all about communication and understanding. You’d be surprised at how much we know our own mother’s without really knowing them. We like to assume things as well. That they will hate us for our choices but I feel that they want to help above anything else if we go to them.

To Dad

I remember flipping through my childhood photo album one day when I was 8 or 9. I always saw this ‘woman’ with crazy long hair in a part of the album. For some reason I asked mom who it was and she told me, “That’s your dad”. My reaction was simply, “How? So Greg is not my father?” It was probably hard for my mother but I’m glad she was brave. After the confrontation I met you that year. I don’t ever remember taking it badly. I was excited and I had a little sister I was about to meet. My dad's a musician; he plays in a rock band. He’s also an artist. I got my drawing talent from him. These aspects of you made me more excited to know that you were my dad. Since our annual meetings I grew fond of you and always looked up to you despite our lack of keeping in touch. You were always a very sincere guy and we just had this bond, a mutual understanding. It sucks we don't get together as much as I'd like but it's hard and I'm glad we hold no grudges. My favorite thing about you is that you sacrificed many things in your life for love. I respect you so much for that despite not staying with my mom. I never cared or wished that they you guys were together. I love Christina too. She’s an incredible woman and I also look up to her. She’s strong, intelligent, and beautiful. She has morals, values, and you guys are very devoted parents.You struggle but your love keeps you together. I admire that and want that. You're like the ideal family. The kids are great too. Deliah, Isabella and Elijah are so intelligent, loving, and honest. The most amazing thing is that mom gets along with you all. We’re all friends and get together for family gatherings. I just have one big, messed up, happy family.  I like that you have always shared life stories with me. We’re both artistic and we can sit and chat for hours about anything and everything. I don’t blame you either for not being around. I guess my other Dad, Greg, wouldn’t allow us to meet. You tried since I was very young but Greg was jealous and worried I wouldn’t think of him as my dad too. I can't believe Grandma used to visit me and Tanner when we were young The name ‘Skip’ was embedded in my brain and I can't believe that that woman was actually my grandmother. I'm happy to know you guys always loved me and struggled to be apart of my life when matters would not allow. It’s creepy too that even though the fact of you not being present in my life for 9 years, the resemblance in our personalities is uncanny. It freaks me out proving that personality traits and talents are in fact hereditary. You can have a bond with a person without even knowing them. Just the fact that they’re family brings you both together. It's really cool to know that I have this with you. It lacks with mom but makes up with you. The one I'm closest to is distant yet the one I'm most distant from I'm closer to. It all evens out; yin and yang.

My parents on Islam
They both know I’m a Muslim. I never told them straight up that I was Muslim but I have talked with my dad about morals and religion with Fahad before so I think he got it then. He respects any living being and does not argue any belief. He has his own beliefs but will not bash others. His wife is Christian in fact while he is an atheist, his parents being strong Catholics. He’s so accepting and I think no matter who I was or what I believed he would love me and never criticize. He’s just so non-judgemental and it’s the coolest. I for sure get my open mind from him. My mom on the other hand, like any mother, worried about my involvement with Muslims and a Muslim boy. They’re known to be ‘abusive’. I had a big conversation via FB messaging and talked about Islam with my mom’s best friend. She works with abused women and I’m sure she told my mom some unrealistic facts. My room mate in University as well was a high school friend who did not agree with religions or Islam. She too likely poisoned my mom’s mind, scary her as she did not get along with Fahad. Cannot forget the news too and 9-11. My mom was simply ignorant on the issue. I also would cry to her when I had relationship problems so her view was distorted. However, Alhamdulillah, she knows. It was not shown through just the card but on Christmas when my bother said I can’t get presents because I was Muslim (in a fun sibling tease). I then opened it up on Facebook with hijab pictures, my religious status, my posts/statuses. Both of them have seen clearly that I am in fact a Muslim. It’s just not a topic we discuss because Islam is personal to me. If my mom or dad do not wish to ask then I will not discuss it. Nothing more was said and it’s evident that my family is fine. I was always a little scared that my mom would not accept but things work for me in time. If it will happen it naturally just happens and it did with us. I ignored my mom for a little while out of anger but things fell into place.

Do not forget your roots, your family, or your parents. These people gave you life. They chose to have you and loved you. It may not seem like it sometimes but they really do love you. Islam has taught me this and through Allah's grace I have learned to respect and love my parents.


Anonymous said...

Oh... the stories that we all have about becoming Muslim and how the family handles that/reacts to that.

Thank you for sharing. I personally do not have a blog, as I don't feel it right for me to share so publicly, but I completely appreciate those who do.

The closest my parents have come to asking me about my choice was just a week ago (I have been Muslim and wearing a headscarf for almost three years). My dad asked me why I wear a scarf, asking if I do it out of respect for my husband... He later in the conversation asked a series of questions, not to actually be answered that included ".., maybe you are becoming Islamic... I don't know; I guess I just wanted to better understand your reason" He didn't actually ask me, so I didn't actually tell him. I think you totally understand this!

pinkgingerale said...

This is beautiful. I completely agree, especially with younger generations, there is such a lack of respect for parents. Alhumdulillah I'm so glad things worked out for you with yours. There's nothing harder than having your parents being disappointed with your life decisions.
Thanks for sharing :)

CHII❤QU said...

@ Stephi:

Thank you for reading and I completely understand those who do not wish to share. I have personally decided to not share certain things about my personal life as it is part of my personal modesty and I have been hurt previously by others comments on my life. But it's about whatever you're comfortable with and what you feel is right to share.

Hehe yes I understand xD The topic is just awkward some times. My mom commented on my hijab pictures on FB and said "Nan says you're starting to look like Fahad's family" and I just said "Lol". My mom wasn't being hurtful though she was teasing. Other might not agree but I know my own family and what they mean when they say certain things.

@Pinkgingerale: Eee~ thank you for reading <3 Yes there is nothing worse :( I mean I don't want my children when I have them hurting themselves so I am happy my mom works to understand me and support me. I was never close to my family though so I've never felt guilt or shame from disappointing them. I'm sure I will now though. If I dropped out of school I'd feel bad for my mom as she is very proud about that or if I had to ask her a large sum of money.

Dilan Dilir said...

awsome written!

Anonymous said...

<3 loved this so much