❤ السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته
Something has been very wrong. Something has been wrong in the way that I believe in Islam, In the way that I have faith in Allah. Somehow I lost the most important aspect of being a Muslim.
I believed only to gain control. I believed only to benefit false desires. I believed only to cover confusion. I wasn’t praising Allah from my heart. I was praising Allah for the sake of praising Allah. My heart was never fully there. I’ve become lost, misguided. I had doubts and I felt indifferent.
I’m weak and I can’t blame others for my actions. It’s all on me. How am I supposed to move forward if I keep falling behind? I need to start from the heart. Start with the very reason I became a Muslim. Islam and being a Muslim, having true faith in Allah, is not this big facade of piousness. When I became concerned with the things that made me more pious I inflicted negativity on those around me. I focused on the opposing aspects of others. I became more involved with my deeds, without intentions, over my faith. Some make Islam into a game. It's like a video game where you gain points and lose them if you make a mistake, where one is a leader and bosses or shows others what to do or how to do it. Islam is not this. It’s not about how many surahs you learn, it’s not about how many verses you read, it’s not about how much Arabic you know. It's not about fear, hate, or restrictions. It's about understanding, love, and peace. It’s about your soul. It’s about love for Allah, the Prophets, and the sincere, unaffected desire for bliss; Jannah. To benefit your soul, your ummahs wellness, and to spread positivity, happiness. It's about your relationship with your creator, doing good for others around you, for yourself, for the sake of Allah. It's only once I gain this admiration for Allah will my deeds and intentions come easily, naturally, and purely.
My heart and soul are sick. I need mending. I’m starting over. I’m emptying out my head, my misinformed mind.