{السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته}
I`m a lost soul; searching. I`ve found the answer and here is my struggle.
An interior monologue of a revert Muslimah.

18.8.11

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السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته 

Something has been very wrong. Something has been wrong in the way that I believe in Islam, In the way that I have faith in Allah. Somehow I lost the most important aspect of being a Muslim.

I believed only to gain control. I believed only to benefit false desires. I believed only to cover confusion. I wasn’t praising Allah from my heart. I was praising Allah for the sake of praising Allah. My heart was never fully there. I’ve become lost, misguided. I had doubts and I felt indifferent.

I’m weak and I can’t blame others for my actions. It’s all on me. How am I supposed to move forward if I keep falling behind? I need to start from the heart. Start with the very reason I became a Muslim. Islam and being a Muslim, having true faith in Allah, is not this big facade of piousness. When I became concerned with the things that made me more pious I inflicted negativity on those around me. I focused on the opposing aspects of others. I became more involved with my deeds, without intentions, over my faith. Some make Islam into a game. It's like a video game where you gain points and lose them if you make a mistake, where one is a leader and bosses or shows others what to do or how to do it. Islam is not this. It’s not about how many surahs you learn, it’s not about how many verses you read, it’s not about how much Arabic you know. It's not about fear, hate, or restrictions. It's about understanding, love, and peace. It’s about your soul. It’s about love for Allah, the Prophets, and the sincere, unaffected desire for bliss; Jannah. To benefit your soul, your ummahs wellness, and to spread positivity, happiness. It's about your relationship with your creator, doing good for others around you, for yourself, for the sake of Allah. It's only once I gain this admiration for Allah will my deeds and intentions come easily, naturally, and purely.

My heart and soul are sick. I need mending. I’m starting over. I’m emptying out my head, my misinformed mind.

17 comments:

Sa'dia said...

Hey, dont stress. Im sure everybody goes through bad phases in their lives. You do your best and Allah will do the rest - thats my motto. Just do the best that you can do and Allah will give you strength and peace. He can see the sincerity in your heart and he will most definitely guide you!

Sanaa Nubiansis said...

Aww subhnallah sister don't give up. I totally agree with the above comment. Just concerntrate on being yourself and doing your best. Allah doesn't want you stressed out, He wants you to do our best with sincerity and always keep turning to Him. If you don't mind me asking has someone told you, you have to do certain things, dress certain way etc why you feel this way?

Ʋƨɐɠɪ ❤ said...

@SA'DIA: Exactly why I'm starting over. My iman just sunk really low after reading some blogs about doubting Islam. Then I just got overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. I just want to feel peace.

@SANAA: No one told me anything :( I just felt that I need to do become more serious if I want to be a good Muslim and make a good impression. My iman was sinking too so I just pushed myself to a limit I couldn't handle. Then I realized negativity from my actions. I started bugging people to pray and using Islam as a control factor for making other people stop sinning. When I myself am not perfect. I need to start over and heal my own heart and never force another.

Sanaa Nubiansis said...

I understand sister. But you know what? Many of us revert sister's after embracing Islam come across this pressure. Sometimes we are made to feel to be a certain way then we put pressure on others. Well I found this in my earl days of Islam. Hamdulillah I learnt to put people's expectations aside. Also I learnt not to be soo hard on myself when I fall short. I always think about how Allah knows us better than we know ourselves. We can only do our best. I pray you are content my sister in Islam. We all have low iman from time to time. Anticipate it rising as you strive! Take care.

рεяfεcтℓγ▪ιмpзяfзcт said...

Jess wallahi none of us know what we're doing let me tell you that. There's no pressure to be perfect. Youre right when you say this

"It’s not about how many surahs you learn, it’s not about how many verses you read, it’s not about how much Arabic you know. It's not about fear, hate, or restrictions. It's about understanding, love, and peace. It’s about your soul. It’s about love for Allah, the Prophets, and the sincere, unaffected desire for bliss; Jannah. To benefit your soul, your ummahs wellness, and to spread positivity, happiness."

Being a good person on the INSIDE is what REALLY matters.A wicked person can definitely memorize ayas dua's etc but it wont matter. When you find yourself in a calm/ loving state you'll find yourself in islam and wallah this is me giving advice to the both of us b/c I've seriously stopped doing anything religious asides from my praying which is beyond insincere so please never think youre alone

Ʋƨɐɠɪ ❤ said...

@YAZ: Man...your comment hit me. Thank you. I just felt connected to you while reading it. I just hope Allah helps me and forgives me. I just got hooked on some thing the Qur'an said, and felt sick every time I did something wrong like wear make-up, or not covering up completely. It was driving me crazy :( I can't do too much at once.

Ʋƨɐɠɪ ❤ said...

@SANAA: Your words are very helpful dear! Thank you. A lot of things actually got me down. Maybe I should write a separate post. A lot of mixed emotions are going on.

♡ αmαℓ said...

Don't stress! You don't have to be "perfect" or memorize the whole Qur'an within a year of conversion :p
Take things slow :)

Focus on Tawheed and practicing the 5 pillars. Everything else comes after. One step at a time, hun...

Sa'dia said...

you know, theres a hadith to the effect that Allah loves those actions that are done consistently. So dont worry about HOW MUCH you're doing, look more at the quality of the actions, no matter how little, that you're doing. Once you've established those few things, then add more and so on. Dont overwhelm yourself because, as you can see, it has a negative effect. Just take everything in your stride.

But what you said about feeling bad when you wear make-up etc, thats a good sign. It shows that you have the consciousness of deen in your heart. So try and act upon what your heart is telling you, because indeed that is Allah's way of communicating and guiding you.

May Allah give you lots of peace, tranquility and strength, Ameen.

Sa'dia said...

Oh and about reading things that put doubt in your mind, you're right, you should definitely not read anything thats going to fill your mind with doubt. Thats Shaytaans tactic of pulling us away from Allah. So shy away from that type of literature and fill your mind with good, true and peaceful readings. Especially since you're a revert, you're still in your learning phase (as opposed to someone like me, who's been learning about Islam from the time i was born, and up till today im still learning), and thats why its so important that you read the right things. Im only telling you all of this because i really feel for you. I understand how you feel and i guess i would want to help in whatever way i can.. If theres anything i can do, feel free to ask :)After all, im your sister in Islam :)

Ʋƨɐɠɪ ❤ said...

@SADIA: Hmmm that's very nice to know :) I thought about that today. Like first to focus on my prayers, make them perfect while perfecting my recitation of what I know and learn what I'm saying/know it in English rather then filling up with a bunch of Surah's without knowing their real meaning. I found this ramadhan I just went and tried to do everything from reading the Qur'an daily, the hadith, learning new surahs, doing my sunnah's, stopping myself from watching t.v. shows etc. It was just too much and it made me feel depressed.
About the make-up thing; it's like when I learn this I learned all other things to stop doing and it was just too much at once. I can't just flat out one day walk out with hijab and no make-up. I feel pressure from that :( I don't feel like me. So instead of focusing on such things I need to focus on my faith.
About reading doubtful things I feel that it's educational. I won't force myself away from bad things if they're not strictly haram. It's like making yourself not touch dirt because it's dirty. You need to be exposed and test yourself when you do these things. That's I feel anyways. Because if I don't explore how I really feel I won't really know how I actually feel. You need to know both sides of the coin sometimes, right?
Thanks again Sadia. Your advice was very helpful and your support always helps me push a little harder to get through my hard times! :D

Ikatrina said...

السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركات
dear my muslim sister, our iman is up and down.. even i was born as muslim sometimes feeling the same way

this the Allah test us, sometimes i feel empty in my salah too.. i tried hard to focus, keep remains still to Allah.. but Allah is the owner of our heart, all we need just asking for Allah's help n guidance

for me, i always try to do much positive things when my iman is up.. when my iman down i try to not astray even doin nothing.. just stay away frm bad thing..

sa'dia was rite, i think u shud take a baby steps.. slow but sure, dont push urself too hard dear

take care sister, may Allah always grant u the best frm Him
insyaAllah ^^,

♥ααℓiα♥ said...

Jesse u shud add me on FB because we always miss each other on MSN haha are u and Amal Friends? u can find me thru her becuz my Privacy Settings are on super tight

Foz said...

Asalaam Alaikum

MashAllah the other sisters have given you great advice and to be honest I have nothing to add.

All of us can go through times when our imaan sinks. Know you are not alone and we are all here for you x

Ʋƨɐɠɪ ❤ said...

@AALIA: Nuuu I don't have Amal :( I'm strictly hidden too lol we'll have to set up a time to get each other added :P Can I find you through your e-mail? Inbox me on hotmail or try looking me up through my e-mail.

@FOZ&IKATRINA: Thanks for you support guys! :) My amazing sisters always help me pull through any struggle I have, alhamdulillah.

MoOn said...

oh sister, be easy on yourself. I am born muslim and still feel the same sometimes,
I think they main key is to ask Allah for guidance, help through this loss moment. Believe strongly on these prayers and their effect.

You have chosen Islam to worship Allah, So Allah will help you through it all, just keep your trust to Him almighty..inshallah things will run smoothly for you :)

Salma @ Chasing Rainbow said...

Salam , I am new here, but just wanted to say, I see a lot of my early struggles as a revert in what you wrote.

I have been practicing Islam for 5 years, and it's been a long journey. I am very in awe of your ability to be so honest.

The other sisters have advised you well. Just remember that this life is all a test.

Stay close to good people and pray to Allah for wisdom.

Salam alaikum.