Relapse

❤ السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته 

Something has been very wrong. Something has been wrong in the way that I believe in Islam, In the way that I have faith in Allah. Somehow I lost the most important aspect of being a Muslim.

I believed only to gain control. I believed only to benefit false desires. I believed only to cover confusion. I wasn’t praising Allah from my heart. I was praising Allah for the sake of praising Allah. My heart was never fully there. I’ve become lost, misguided. I had doubts and I felt indifferent.

I’m weak and I can’t blame others for my actions. It’s all on me. How am I supposed to move forward if I keep falling behind? I need to start from the heart. Start with the very reason I became a Muslim. Islam and being a Muslim, having true faith in Allah, is not this big facade of piousness. When I became concerned with the things that made me more pious I inflicted negativity on those around me. I focused on the opposing aspects of others. I became more involved with my deeds, without intentions, over my faith. Some make Islam into a game. It's like a video game where you gain points and lose them if you make a mistake, where one is a leader and bosses or shows others what to do or how to do it. Islam is not this. It’s not about how many surahs you learn, it’s not about how many verses you read, it’s not about how much Arabic you know. It's not about fear, hate, or restrictions. It's about understanding, love, and peace. It’s about your soul. It’s about love for Allah, the Prophets, and the sincere, unaffected desire for bliss; Jannah. To benefit your soul, your ummahs wellness, and to spread positivity, happiness. It's about your relationship with your creator, doing good for others around you, for yourself, for the sake of Allah. It's only once I gain this admiration for Allah will my deeds and intentions come easily, naturally, and purely.

My heart and soul are sick. I need mending. I’m starting over. I’m emptying out my head, my misinformed mind.

Amin Turtles

Click to enlarge

❤ السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته

Just thought I'd share a little painting I did. Turtles that really say amin in Arabic! I really want to start creating Islamic calligraphy paintings. I Googled some and I seen this cute one so I re-created it. It's harder than it looks. I need much practice but inshallah I can, some day, make some very beautiful ones.

Preceding Islam

Inspiration - Iya's post about becoming closer to Allah as a born Muslim.

"So whoever Allah wants to guide - He expands his breast to [contain] Islam; and whoever He wants to misguide - He makes his breast tight and constricted as though he were climbing into the sky. Thus does Allah place defilement upon those who do not believe."

Qur'an, 6:125

❤ السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته 

Some may be wondering about my life before becoming a Muslim, why or how I came to Islam. I would like to share for education and inspirational purposes. I know we shouldn't expose our sins but these are my sins as a non-believer. I think it's beneficial for the sake of Islam and I ask that Allah forgive me if I am displeasing him in doing so.

My life before becoming a true believer: Feckless. I lived a life of roulette. I didn't really think about tomorrow, I lived for the moment, what I wanted to do in that point of time. I'd jump and work for irrational dreams, for boys, I was desperate, searching for someone to cling to. My early teens I spent searching for the love that I lacked from my family. I spent an immense amount of time online searching, subconsciously, for a 'dream guy' who would save me. I escaped through these fantasies, friends and smoking marijuana. At the same time I was searching for something pure, sincere, people who would accept me for me, because I was getting tired of being ‘different’ and being teased for my differences. In my later teens things were much the same. I did find a handful of incredible friends at the end of High school who did well in my life. I also made some bad personal choices with other friends just to 'fit in' and escape the pain I felt. I felt pain for being a measly human being with no big goals or dreams. I was torn between good and bad.  I was really lost. University came. I gained some friends, lost some, took a 180 degree change in my looks and personality. I started going downtown, giving into my strangest desires; I drank alcohol even though I despised it, and influenced others to smoke pot with me. I continued doing these things to have fun, to experience, and live life to the fullest.

This ‘fulfillment’ was the anticlimax. I felt dirty. I felt ill. I was always sad, twisted in between other people’s lives, constant drama, and constant doubt. ‘Friends’ were over running me, using me; everyone was lying through their teeth. There were times when I couldn’t sleep for days. Are people really, truly happy living such lives? It’s one big facade. They must all live in denial, escaping reality. I just see a mass of struggle to be something society tells people to be. Find me one person who is truly happy living this way. They all convince themselves of meaning through recklessness. All humans want is love, happiness, and meaningful lives. That’s why they continue searching. But they're searching in all the wrong places. I lived it, witnessed it, and did not see one sincere smile at the end of the week.

Throughout all this dismal I was learning about Islam. I was introduced by a boy and that had some influence on pushing me to learn more so that I could be closer to him. I also met many wonderful Muslim friends who helped me understand and explore the religion. The many late night talks about God really got me thinking about my creator. I was interested in Buddhism at the time as well concluding an Asians religion course. I found out there was a religions course about Islam and it would fill one of my credits, I also thought it would be easy. (I was wrong) My prof. was actually Dr. Jamal Badawi. It was a phenomenal experience. I even met him out side of class to ask doubts I had. He answered every question I had with a very fulfilling and sensible response. Allah’s grace slowly leaked into my life. I started to fear misfortune due to my sinful deeds. As I walked into the clubs now, stoned out of my mind, Allah was sitting there in the back of my mind. Throughout the whole night, crawling like a cockroach in the garbage infested dance floor, I was in a constant battle with denying the wrong I was committing. Lying in my bed at 5am ensuing my downtown escapade I would cry.
Cry.
Cry.
Cry.
I would cry because I was not happy. What a meaningless life full of hurt, loneliness, fear, loss and lies. What was I gaining?

It was one night that pushed me to turn things around. After trying to flag down a cab and being denied by many we finally got one. The driver was a dark man with a beard and cap on. “Where are you from” my friend asked, who is a Muslim. “From here” he replied. “No, where are you really from”. He replied again, “Iran”. It could have been Lebanon but that’s beside the point. “So you’re a Muslim?” Indeed he was. And the Islamic topics flourished so was the fact that I was on the road to reverting. He said one thing that stabbed my heart, “So do you believe in Allah? Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)? Jinn? The Day of Judgement?” I replied, “I do.” He chuckled, “Then what are you waiting for?” By this time we’ve been sitting in front of the apartment complex for a good 10 minutes. My friend said, “She wants to wear Hijab, be a perfect Muslim.” The cab driver confidently replied, “It’s not about Hijab or perfection. It’s about what you believe that makes you a Muslim.” I left the cab enlightened. I was in a state of shock during the elevator ride up to my apartment. Once inside I sat on my bed and the tears flowed and I thought to myself, “I’m pretty much a Muslim.”

After the ride in that cab, may Allah bless that man, I started skipping the regular trips downtown going every other time. I started working harder to become a real Muslim. I searched my heart for faith. To truly believe and make that choice to say, “I bear witness that there is no God but Allah and Prophet Muhammad is his final messenger.” Alhamdulillah it wasn’t much longer. I made nia to make my choice to revert or not when I complete reading the Qur'an. I recited those words on September 7^th 2010. However I did fall back into the slums of partying for a short period of time, giving into my desires and smoking pot. I convinced myself that it wasn’t so bad. But Allah seeped into my mind again and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I said enough is enough and I gave my pipe away and told my friends no more. I was done. Its haram and I couldn’t deny it anymore. Thus continues my spiritual journey of bliss. I’ve found my escape from reality and it’s the truth to all the problems in this decaying world: Islam Sequence

Q&A: Islam Sequence

"Whoever does good whether male or female and he is a believer, We will most certainly make him live a happy life, and We will most certainly give them their reward for the best of what they did."

Qur'an, 16:97

❤ السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته 

A question I have been asked recently, more than once, "Since you became a Muslim, how do you feel?"

Euphoric: I feel as if all, if not most, of my past problems have ceased. Whether my problems really have ceased or not, I have obtained the ability to take on the given dilemma with refined confidence. With the assurance of knowing who, what, when, how, and why, Alhamdullilah. I am undaunted, audacious, and liberated. I am in accord with myself and my surroundings.

Since becoming a Muslim I can see my true beauty, the truth of this world. I am no longer afraid of the many things that once refrained me, I conquered anxiety. I can focus, I can complete personal goals.  I can understand, I can forgive, I can move forward: manifest. Life has become unambiguous to my personal satisfaction. I was able to override my struggles, on my own, from the trust and faith I have entrusted in Allah (swt). By His will he has granted me promised happiness.

Tell me, how has Islam changed your life? How has/does it made/make you feel?

On Self Confidence

“Beautified is the life of this world for those who disbelieve, and they mock at those who believe. But those who obey Allah’s Orders and keep away from what He has forbidden, will be above them on the Day of Resurrection. And Allah gives (of His Bounty, Blessings, Favours, and Honours on the Day of Resurrection) to whom He wills without limit.”

Qur'an, 2:212

Beautiful Leah Dizon (Old Role Model)

Beautiful Hana Tajima (New Role Model)

 

❤ السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته    Excessive or deflated confidence in one's own judgment or ability: self confidence. A lot of women struggle with confidence. Whether it is our looks or our talents, our perception is misguided all thanks to the standards set by society via the mass media and 'men'. As a young revert Muslim living in the western hemisphere I am constantly at battle with what ‘beauty’ is. Jesse’s self confidence: deflated. Like most people I look up to celebrities and actresses. I admire, obsess, compare, and sometimes cry because I can’t look a certain way (astagfirallah!). I look at local girls who acquire these celeb looks, fashion, hair, make-up, and look at myself in pity because I got a cheese burger belly, 20 something moles on my face, and thin hair. It puts me into great distress sometimes. It even drives me so mad that I feel angry when I see some girls I am extremely jealous of. I will even spend time finding faults in them to make myself feel better. I do all these nasty things and at the end of the day when I do my evening prayers I reflect on my behaviour. I look at myself and wonder how I could ever act so foolishly. I have something these girls don’t. I have faith. I have Islam. I have Allah (swt). I look at myself with my scarf thrown around my head before prayer and smile because I’m alive. I smile because I have people who love me. I smile because I have a chance to reach jannah. I smile because I have a piece of mind that puts my soul at rest when I’m lost and all alone. I am blessed to be who I am and Allah (swt) made me this way because I am beautiful, because I am here to live Islam. My purpose, my life, my soul exceeds all these silly problems in everyday life. I remember Allah and my jealousy escapes. It’s hard sometimes but I am writing this to remind you ladies that you’re not alone and that Allah (swt) is there. You just need to trust him and see yourself for who you really are. We need to stand up against these false standards and start following our religion properly. We need to stay true to our hijab. I feel the more I try to look like girls in magazines I feel more frustrated with me. I feel sad. When I do what I do because I like it, because I think it’s ‘cool’ for Allah (swt) I feel 100% happier. I eat that cheeseburger because it makes me happy and I exercise for my health, not my weight. I work hard to worry about myself now. I promised myself to stop comparing to those who I don’t even know. It’s seriously such a waste of energy. I like myself because I am me. I am an intelligent, capable, artistic, kind, generous, sweet person. Most importantly I should worry more about my deen and what I do to please Allah (swt). Remember that trying to impress people who want you to change is the first sign that they’re not good people. Surround yourself with confident happy women and read your Qur’an because it honestly gives us the answers to all these daily struggles. {Above I posted two woman I think are absolutely gorgeous. I used to adore Leah Dizon and wanted to always look like her. I admire Hana Tajima more because she stays true to hijab, proving how easy it really is. She's not fake. Pick a role model that fits your lifestyle who makes you feel better about yourself, not worse. Better if you don't compare or work to be like anyone; just be yourself!} Do you struggle with your self-confidence? How do you deal? Tell me your stories!