Hello, This is God Calling You
*Phone rings (displaying weird long distance number)*
"Yes! Hello Jesse! I'm calling about your order from Whyislam.org. You forgot to add your postal code!" - An old man replies in a foreign accent.
At first I was about to hang up. I didn't know who was actually calling at first. I'm glad I didn't. I had ordered free pamphlets and a Qu'ran from whyislam.org.
Them man then began to ask me about Islam. If I believed in God; and the oneness of God. If I believe in Jinns, the day of judgment etc.Then he asked me about the prophets and if I believed in them all. I replied yes to both. He said, "Well you are Muslim by heart then." I replied with, "yes, then the next step is to say the shahada!". He continued to ask me if I wanted to do it now. Then. On the phone? I was nervous and instantly thought NO. I didn't feel it was the time but what he told me is true and that it is all I have to do. That's it. I am pretty much already Muslim!
When I got off the phone I continued to think and started to feel regret. Was this Allah calling out to me? Giving me the moment to do it? Because I am too scared to go to the mosque ...
I made up excuses saying, well he was going to revert me ... he just wants the blessings. That you need to say the shahada in front of two adults (which I learned last week that is was not necessary). In the end I did not feel it was time. I'm not ready to comitt. I don't know if I can avoid sin right now. It's very frustrating because I do know what is right and what is wrong. It's just taking that one small step and saying those few words that will change my life completely. Why does it have to be so hard? I know what I want but I'm just not ready to make it official. I sometimes still have my doubts, fears, I also just want to finish the Qu'ran first. I guess I should read it quicker then do my shahada? Because really that is all - I know when I finish the Qu'ran I will know 110% what I want.
Luckily this website (which of whom this man got my information from) is wonderful. I found it and ordered pamphlets about Islam (which are great to share with people who want to know more about Islam) and my own Qu'ran with English translation. I had no idea someone was going to call me. At the end of the conversation the man let me know I am able to call or e-mail any time if I have questions etc. or if I change my mind about doing shahada. So any person who is looking to revert I recommend this site! He also informed me about my cities mosque and that they are able to arrange meetings and get me involved in the Muslim community.
I hope I didn't make a mistake in my choice to reject his aid in my shahada and I pray that Allah will continue to watch me. I'm sorry for my ignorance. I just wish to continue my study. To be 110% sure. People tell me I may die tomorrow without reverting but I cannot follow Islam if I have any spec of doubt. I do not want to sin when I can prevent sin by being 100% sure. I am still Muslim by heart and Allah knows this. I will persure my efforts insha'allah.
I still feel : Σ（＠д＠；）
Has Allah granted signs to you for your reversion? Or for anything in your life when making choices?